My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
