my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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