dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
