i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
a search helicopter?!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
