With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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