If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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