finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
