dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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