When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nutella sex= disaster
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
