he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
