On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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