i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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