it's like iHOP with fire
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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