I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
