did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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