I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
