i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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