It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
