i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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