Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
