so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
