all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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