You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
