My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
