So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
