No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
