connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
