I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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