I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
