I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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