i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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