best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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