Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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