Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
