Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
