But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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