Swine flu. Run for my life!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
