i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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