i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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