Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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