You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
