Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think my fart just growled at me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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