You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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