I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
