I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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