You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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