i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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