My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
