new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
