also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
