ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
