I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
