just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
