I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
