Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
