Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize