When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
