the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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