Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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