apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
