I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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