ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
