Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
