pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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