two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
